“You are 28 already, you must start earning!” demands a mother from her son.
“Do not cry, be a man and find a way on your own,” endorses a friend to his male buddy.
“Do you own a house and a car?” asks the potential wife to the potential husband.
“Your father donated half of his wealth to the society and you?” says father’s friend to the son.
Is the same expectation and interrogation done to a daughter/ wife/ mother or any woman for that matter who is a part of the society? Go back and re-read the questions to understand the reason behind creating this context in the month of June. June marks Men’s Mental Health month, when we must initiate important discussions, foster mutual understanding, inspire men and give the care they require and deserve.
We always discuss about the different stages of life and how an individual’s personality is shaped in every stage as per the expectations of the society (mostly). The different waves of feminism (emerged in the West) have always sought for a path which ensures equality. But, where have we reached? Does ‘real’ feminism exist or are men also slowly becoming the victims of patriarchy? And it is a never ending debate. Though we celebrate March 8 with full pomp and show, we must at least attempt to understand and celebrate the men around us who also deserve a courtesy.
The Intrinsic Infancy
What if you let your infant boy pick between a ‘doll’ and a ‘car’? What if you let him choose between ‘pink’ and ‘blue’? It isn’t that difficult if we let ‘him choose’ rather than enforcing upon certain things at a tender age. Infancy is the time when the overall personality development takes place. So, if there are harsh compulsions or stringent restrictions, the infant would undergo a huge pressure of not choosing the things which are considered to be ‘abnormal’ by the society. He becomes an insecure individual which in future would lead to a lot of pressure finally affecting his mental health.
The Chirpy Childhood
‘Boys never cry!’, ‘Be strong’, these are constant phrases which are shot at a boy child. Though the human body irrespective of whichever sex one belongs to have a heart and mind which carries the basket of emotions. Why a boy is never expected to weep? A heavy heart leads to high blood pressure in future. So, when a boy is taught to hide his emotions he definitely is filling a lot of air within which will burst in future some day!
This is also the time when a boy child is expected to develop certain ‘masculine’ traits like strength, courage, independence and the list continues. What if a boy child is emotive and wishes to be dependent for a while? Hello! You cannot be that. Because you ‘have to’ grow up to become a ‘macho’ man. The high pressure of being ‘masculine’ also leads to varied mental health issues if one is not able to match up to the societal ‘standards’.
The Adamant Adulthood
Pre- Marriage
From a girlfriend demanding more time and attention, family forcing to opt for a ‘well paid’ profession to the relatives judging and ripping off the character, if he does something which he was not ‘supposed’ to that also bothers a man and leads to mental health issues.
Though a lot of progressive girlfriends now want the ‘date bill’ to be split, there are many out there who still want to financially rely on the man because he is considered to be the ‘breadwinner’ or at least nurtured to be one. Though he might be busy with his 9 am to 7 pm job, he is expected to spend ‘more’ time. These impractical ‘expectations’ ruin a lot of personal relationships which in turn gifts nothing, but a mental health issue to a man.
If this was not enough, the family would never let a boy choose a stream or profession which is underpaid or offbeat. Why? Because he has to think about the ‘comfortable’ life of his family. This obligation of him choosing a ‘well paid’ stream and profession kills his passion which in turn leads to mental health issues.
‘He is out till midnight! He might be doing drugs or sleeping around with girls,’ doubts the relatives. Though he was only watching the midnight show of Transformers with his ‘male’ friends. The late night outings and ripped jeans in a way rips off his character which is as pure as Prem in the movie Vivah. Also, connect this with finding a Poonam as ‘bahu’ of your family which they have been looking for since ages.
Post- Marriage
This the time when pressure within is at its peak. This is the time when maximum men commit suicide. Reasons being petty which remain unaddressed even today in every household. The biggest challenge post marriage is handling and balancing the relation which a man has with his mother and his wife. The expectations of a mother remain still the same while the wife seeks more attention. Result of this balancing act: High Blood Pressure of a man.
Sachin’s or Gavaskar’s son is expected to perform as well as him, but what if he fails? The biggest pressure at this age is meeting up to society’s comparison of a man becoming as ‘good’ as his father. But what if he is the best in his own shoes or what if he has aced more in his field which was different from that of his father? This also leads to a next level pressure.
Apart from managing expenses, which he is ‘expected’ to manage alone even if the wife is earning boom (in a few cases, not all), he is considered to be solely responsible for matching up with the status of the society or else the kids and wife will be depressed and at the end the man will be suffering from depression.
The Odd Old Age
While a man is almost in his early 50s, the biggest challenge that he faces is convincing and looking for the best suitable partners for his child or children. The pressure of organising the ‘grand destination wedding’ which the society might be expecting or which he might be planning, to display his status to the society. To organise or ‘meet up’ to this ‘standard’ he might end up spending a boom amount on his physical and mental health.
Post his son ‘settles’, if he is not left with any savings, he is dependent on his son for the finance which in turn is an avoidable pressure. A good saving and spending at an early age will definitely assure your old age to be smooth. As the man ages, he is also constantly worried about the health and expenses of his spouse which he is solely responsible of as the children have left the abode for their independent world.
Please Note: The above mentioned mentality and happenings are true for a middle- class household (mostly) who have limited privileges. Money otherwise is not a matter of concern above this strata of the society while below this, the life in itself is a pressure as surviving with a meagre amount is very difficult.
